she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
