Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
