Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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