I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
