I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
