some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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