Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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