I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize