the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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