It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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