I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
