How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
