No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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