Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
