I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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