Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Someone came in the potted fern
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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