Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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