After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
