So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
