i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize