i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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