Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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