I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
