Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
