yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
