He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize