Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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