my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
