I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
