Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
barbara walters just said penis...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
