No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
