He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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