So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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