By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
