a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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