My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
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