Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
