$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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