I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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