I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
