Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
