I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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