Barsexuality is the new black.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
