can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
