When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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