i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Houston, we have a blender
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Randomize
