Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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