My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
