I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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