She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
