I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
