I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
