Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
