She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize