I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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