i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
