so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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