yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
