Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
